In order to continue improving all of our communication, I have created a handout offering some examples of how to move your inferential declarative statements to ones that: are more direct and offer specific information in the moment, build in processing time (the language used creates space for the other person to consider the information being shared), and offer autonomy (allows the person to choose how or if they join the invitation.

Whether these tools are new ideas to you, or you’ve been using them for a while, these guiding principles can help us all stay on track as we strive to create learning environments that support growth and positive engagement for individuals of all ages.

This idea is explained in Chapter 2 of Co-Regulation Handbook: What You Need to Know to Get Started Right Away. As we engage kids with co-regulation in mind, it leads to authentic social connection, communication that is mutually meaningful, and a greater understanding of each other and our world.

There are SO many ways to use Declarative Language. First and foremost, DL should be used to foster connection, support individuals in a respectful way, and invite partnership. Then, as you get comfortable, you can vary the level of directness and/or learning opportunities you invite based on the individual and based on the moment. See some examples on this handout!

Ideas on the cheat sheet are language options! Pick and choose what is developmentally right for your learner, and a match for the situation at hand.

Declarative statements can be simple sentences, or more complex. They can be about the present, or about the past. We can use declarative language to celebrate, and we can use it to plan ahead.

There are so many ways to use DL, and as long as we use it with a “give over get” mindset, it will help us connect with each other, guide our learners in a positive way, and deepen our relationships.

I know it can be helpful to have some go-to statements when emotions are rising! Once kids are regulated, you will have the opportunity to problem solve together. But, first things first. Importantly, remember that silence is JUST as important as your statements. Kids need time to process what you are saying.

How do all these concepts fit together?

Here is one page visual of Our Framework for Teaching with Declarative Language and Co-Regulation, to help you envision the meaningful path ahead.

Remember, within each area, we use Declarative Language and Co-Regulation in different ways, but each interacts with, and complements, the other.

As we slow down and fine tune our feedback loop with the child in the moment, we can often figure why they are not responding to our declarative statement. This then helps us know how to guide the child from there.

Importantly, we always want to remember that they are not ignoring us and not being willful. There is always a good reason for the breakdown, and we must give kids the benefit of the doubt. I break this down in Chapter 11 of Declarative Language Handbook: Trouble Shooting Tips.

When we say a child “doesn’t engage in non-preferred tasks”, we are lumping many items into one bucket. And I don’t think this is helpful. Different things are helpful at different times, based on the task and based on the moment. Each opportunity or task that you want your child to engage in is unique and likely contains different demands.

It is important to consider each opportunity on its own and learn more about what the obstacle in that instance might be, so that we can figure out the best way to help.

If you are newer to co-regulation and declarative language or just now thinking about giving this new communication style a try, I want you to be successful! In this article, I outline 4 important tips to keep in mind when getting started.

Our learners - who are perceived as rigid – really, in my opinion and experience, just need more processing time than most people are willing to give them. They are presented with new information, and their defenses go up because the world is pushing them to accept something new or different without also giving them adequate time to process – i.e., consider, integrate, and respond to - this novelty or difference.

Download this visual to share this idea far and wide!

What does thinking look like for your learner? Once you figure this out, it becomes much easier to support their processing style.

Find your unique rhythm with your learner! When the process unfolds in this way, it is graceful, it is a dance, and it communicates mutual respect.

Enter an engagement with the future in your focus. This mindset supports individuals who may need more processing time, and builds opportunities (as well as your shared narrative) at a pace that is manageable to them.

This is one of my all time favorite concepts! In this article I explain it and provide a real world example.

This is a framework around how to adjust your level of support when using declarative language and competent-authentic-contingent roles (how I define co-regulation in Co-Regulation Handbook).

Here is an example of this framework in action with the routine of making lunch.

Here is an example of this framework in action while working to manage screen time!

Use this blank template to try out your own routine!

In Chapter 13 of Declarative Language Handbook, I talk about how to recognize progress. Here is one possible path you might see, as you get comfortable with declarative language.

Remember, it starts with YOU, and changes then transfer to the child, no matter their age. When you begin by changing the communicative landscape from negative (demanding) to positive (inviting), amazing moments unfold!

In this article, I discuss how to think about competitive games with kids, while helping them build resilience when it comes to losing. I dedicated Chapter 11 in Co-Regulation Handbook to this topic as well!