Our Special Wall
Our neighborhood was originally a colonial estate and farm surrounded by a beautiful stone wall. In 1937, part of the property was sold and subdivided, and houses with backyards were built. The stone wall remained and became the outermost boundary for a few of these newly formed properties.
When we bought our home in 2006, I barely noticed the wall. It was hidden behind years of overgrown bushes. As we worked to make the place our own, we cut back the brush completely and – to our delight – revealed this gem. I love the look of the wall, and over the past 15 years, it has become so much more to our family.
This is because … there is just something about kids and walls!
From day one, anytime we have had more than 2-3 children in our backyard, they have always ended up on the wall. And it does not matter their age. Toddlers and teenagers alike find their way up there.
When my kids were little, I remember boosting them up to be with the kids who were a little older, and then holding onto them so they wouldn’t fall. On the other end of the age spectrum, many a high schooler has sat on the wall too.
Kids just don’t outgrow the wall!
As they sit there, there are different things they might do. Sometimes they simply watch cars, bicycles and pedestrians go by. Sometimes they listen to music. Sometimes they try and get drivers to honk and wave by yelling “Honk! Honk!” in unison. Sometimes they bring awareness to a cause bigger than themselves and hold up a sign to get drivers on board (One of my favorites was: “Honk to Save the Turtles!”). And sometimes they come up with a new twist on an old game like, “Let’s try and guess if the next driver will be sweet or salty… They are sweet if they wave at us, salty if not.” When I recently asked my sons about the wall, they answered, “We have a lot of good memories on the wall!”
So, what is so special about the wall that it has this natural and unassuming ability to bring kids of all ages and interests together?
As someone who is always thinking about how to help kids establish positive and successful peer interactions, it is important for me to name what I see.
It is easy for kids to figure out where their bodies should be when they are on the wall.
The wall does not place language demands on kids.
The wall helps kids be present in the moment.
The wall helps establish a joint focus of attention for everyone, that is easy to detect.
The wall invites kids to be part of a shared routine, and each person can join as they are ready.
The wall routines always involve a pattern that is not hard to learn.
Kids remember their past experiences on the wall and can recreate or build upon these each time.
Everyone is responsible for themselves, and themselves only on the wall. If you miss a turn, it is no big deal.
Kids feel a positive connection to the group once they are up there.
The routines always bring laughter, surprises (“productive uncertainty”), and moments of group celebration.
All kids can feel competent on the wall regardless of language or motor skills.
In Chapter 10 of Co-Regulation Handbook, I talk about creating parallel frameworks (among others: assembly line, reciprocal and complementary), as a backdrop for peer interaction. The wall is a great example of this type of framework, and spotlights how successful it can be for kids.
I am thinking about all of this now because last weekend we had a family birthday party for my older son. It was the first time my kids have been with their cousins since February 2020. It was wonderful to watch the kids reconnect after so many months of being apart. The seven “cousins” now range from 9 to 15 years of age.
After their initial greetings in the backyard, the kids did not miss a beat. Together, they walked over to the wall, climbed up, and sat alongside each other as if not a day had gone by. It was awesome to see.
Maybe you and your kids have a “wall” too? Or something that could offer this type of parallel framework that works so well for peer interaction? I’d love to hear if you do.
Have a great week!
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