The Struggle for Control

An interesting, yet likely familiar, topic came up in our Declarative Language Workshop this week. How do you help kids – who really need to be in control – let go and be open to your guidance? It takes time to change this dynamic, but it is possible. Declarative language and co-regulation lay the groundwork for this shift to happen.

Many kids will not take our word for it when it comes to what is best, how something should be done, or an impending mishap. They are 𝑒𝑥𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑎𝑙 𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑠, meaning they need to learn on their own what will work or not work, before being open to the guidance or ideas of others. It is good teaching to give them these experiences when we can, while the hard part may be deciding on the circumstances that 𝑊𝐸 feel comfortable letting go to do so.

In our workshop, our participants are getting skilled at including their child in small daily moments – taking out the trash or compost, adding ice to a drink, setting the table, putting chickens in their coop for the night (yes really!) - using co-regulatory partnerships and declarative language to manage the overall pace. These tools help us slow down and stay in sync with the child, so that we can create space for them to make small mistakes safely, without judgment, learn from them, and discover that we are right there to help with wisdom, different ideas, and experiences of our own.

With declarative language and co-regulation, kids begin to experience you letting go, which in turn leads to them feeling comfortable letting go. Over time, their referencing of you for guidance becomes more natural and comfortable.

This process does not happen overnight. It happens one small opportunity at a time. But it 𝑖𝑠 possible to change the communicative landscape from negative to positive, from one of struggle for control, to one of mutual respect and openness to each other’s ideas.

Come to our next virtual learning opportunity to learn more! Our next Declarative Language Drop-In is on 4/28 and click here for details on our next Declarative Language Workshop!

Have a great week!

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