Setting Limits - Part 1
Sometimes kids are not happy. This is okay.
I originally wrote this Setting Limits post in September 2020, and wanted to re-post as this topic has been on my mind lately! Setting limits is a really important topic that can be hard to navigate.
We need limits to help kids feel safe, to help kids BE safe, and, to support their growth. BUT, how exactly do you set limits using declarative language?
Furthermore, how do you set limits in a way that acknowledges kids’ wishes and validates their feelings at the same time?
Is that even possible? (Short answer: Yes!)
Below is my original post, with updates. As I said last week, I am always learning new things and working to integrate new knowledge and ways of thinking with my prior understanding. This is the way it should be, and what makes this field so exciting! We all can continue to learn and grow.
I have more food for thought on this topic beyond this post too. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about setting limits in relation to “Framing” (Chapter 6 of of Co-Regulation Handbook) and “Adjusting Complexity” (Chapter 7), and will share that in Part 2 next week.
Setting Limits and Declarative Language
It is always important to listen to kids and use declarative language to help them voice their concerns and problem solve when faced with a challenge. But sometimes, our kids need something different. They need us, as parents, caregivers, teachers, therapists, adults in their lives.… to set firm limits, so they stay safe.
Safety may be physical and related to our shared environment (“Don’t run into the street!”), it may be connected to relationships (“I don’t think it is safe to hang out with that person”), or it may even be related to negative impacts on mental health (i.e., “I don’t want you to be on screens so close to bedtime because it will interfere with your sleep”).
In listening to parents share their stories, and through my own experiences, I understand that setting limits can be hard to do. For example, it may be hard to know how to handle the pushback you receive when you attempt to set or stick to a new limit. Kids may protest and argue…and argue and protest. It can be tiring, and it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
However, as unpleasant and uncomfortable as this can be, it is our job, as teachers and caregivers, to set limits in thoughtful, nurturing ways. Or, to set limits that strengthen our relationships with kids while we guide them to be responsible, thoughtful adults.
As you practice using declarative language when setting limits, here are some guiding principles to help you stick with it and feel strong.
First, decide for yourself what your limit is around a particular challenge area 𝑏𝑒𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑒 engaging your child in the topic. This will help you feel ready and sure…
..and help you state it with love and respect.
For example, if you are considering screen use, your limit may define how much time per day you are comfortable with, or whether devices belong in the bedroom at night. Think through what you believe in your heart and mind first, so that when you decide you are ready to set the limit, you are more likely to stick to it.
Note: If you’re child keeps asking to do something, and you haven’t yet decided on your limit, it is okay to say, “I need a little time to think about this.”
When you say “I need time to think", it models for kids how thoughtful decision making is not a quick process. It is important and always okay to take the time you need to think through all the elements of a situation.
Next, when setting a new limit, expect pushback from your child!
Most kids do not like change, especially change that feels uncomfortable to them.
Expect your child to disagree. Expect your child to argue why you are wrong. Expect your child to try and get you to change your mind or go back to the way things used to be. If you enter the situation anticipating a protest, you can mentally prepare yourself to be strong. And you will be strong because you are setting a limit that you believe is important.
Remember, your child does not have to be happy. You can validate their feelings, acknowledge that they are upset, uncomfortable, mad, disappointed … you name it. But this does not mean you need to fix their feelings. Part of becoming a resilient adult is learning how to manage all of our emotions, including the ones that are less comfortable. If you are setting a limit that you know is reasonable, and doing it in a respectful, caring way, then perhaps the best thing you can do is give space for your child to then learn how to manage these feelings on their own. Of course -- if they are open to a hug to help them feel better, go for it!
But if they are not, remember that time and space are important tools to help anyone process and accept something that is uncomfortable.
You also do not need to convince your child or argue why you are right.
You are the parent/caregiver/ teacher, etc. You are the adult. You have wisdom, knowledge and life experience that have led you to this decision. It is usually a good idea to explain your reasoning so that the child understands why you are making the change or setting a specific limit.
But, it is not necessary to 𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟-explain to the point that you are arguing. That is not productive. It zaps energy from you and creates more negative emotions for everyone. State your limit, explain so that your child understands, and then feel comfortable ending the conversation.
When kids argue and you respond by arguing back, you are engaging in a pattern that you are most likely trying to break. Walk away and give both you and your child space.
NOW.. here are some declarative statements that you can try out when setting limits:
“I have been thinking about devices at bedtime and how screens can get in the way of getting a good night’s sleep. Starting tomorrow night, I’ve decided that we will leave our devices in the kitchen when we go to bed.”
“I understand that you don’t like this. But I’ve decided this is what is best for right now.”
“I hear you that you disagree with me. That is okay.”
“I know that you would really like to do X, but I need to do Y. This will be better for all of us in the long run.”
“I am not going to argue with you about this. I will talk to you later when you feel less angry.”
Here are some other helpful declarative statements you can use when emotions are escalating!
In summary…
Take the time you need to decide on a reasonable limit that feels good to you. Decide with your heart and mind. This will empower you to stay strong and follow through.
Use declarative language to communicate this limit or new decision to your child with respect and love.
But, expect pushback. Change that feels uncomfortable can be hard.
Don’t engage in arguing. Agree to disagree.
Walk away if necessary. Silence and space are important tools for everyone, including you!
Stay strong out there. Our job is not always easy, and you are doing great.
I’ll see you next week for Part 2, which you can receive directly to your inbox by going here!
Parents, caregivers & professionals welcome!
We still have room in our October Workshop and would love to meet you.
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