Setting Limits & Declarative Language
It is always important to listen to kids and use declarative language to help them voice their concerns and problem solve when faced with a challenge. But sometimes, our kids need something different. They need us, as parents, caregivers, teachers, therapists, adults in their lives... to set firm limits.
In listening to parents share their stories, I understand that this can be hard to do. For example, it may be hard to know how to handle the pushback you will inevitably get when you attempt to set or stick to a new limit. Kids may protest and argueβ¦and argue and protest. It can be tiring, and it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
However, as unpleasant and uncomfortable as this can be, it is our job, as teachers and caregivers, to set limits in thoughtful, nurturing ways. Or, to set limits that strengthen our relationships with kids while we guide them to be responsible, thoughtful adults.
As you practice using declarative language when setting limits, here are some guiding principles to help you stick with it and feel strong:
Decide for yourself what your limit is around a particular challenge area ππππππ engaging your child in the topic. This will help you feel ready and sure. For example, if you are considering screen use, your limit may define how much time per day you are comfortable with, or whether devices belong in the bedroom at night or not. Think through what you believe in your heart and mind first, so that when you decide you are ready to set the limit, you are more likely to stick to it.
When setting a new limit, expect pushback from your child! Most kids do not like change, especially change that feels uncomfortable to them. Expect your child to disagree. Expect your child to argue why you are wrong. Expect your child to try and get you to change your mind or go back to the way things used to be. If you enter the situation anticipating a protest, you can mentally prepare yourself to be strong. And you will be strong because you are setting a limit that you believe is important.
Your child does not have to be happy. You can validate their feelings, acknowledge that they are upset, uncomfortable, mad, disappointed β¦ you name it. But this does not mean you need to fix their feelings or make them feel better. Part of becoming a resilient adult is learning how to manage our negative emotions. If you are setting a limit that you know is reasonable, then perhaps the best thing you can do is give space for your child to then learn how to manage these feelings on their own. Of course -- if they are open to a hug to help them feel better, go for it! But if they are not, remember that time and space are important tools to help anyone process and accept something that is uncomfortable.
You also do not need to convince your child or argue why you are right. You are the parent/caregiver/teacher, etc. You are the adult. You have wisdom, knowledge and life experience that have led you to this decision. It is usually a good idea to explain your reasoning so that the child understands why you are making the change. But, it is not necessary to ππ£ππ-explain to the point that you are arguing. That is not productive. It zaps energy from you and creates more negative emotions for everyone. State your limit, explain so that your child understands, and then feel comfortable ending the conversation. Again, remember that when kids argue, they are trying to re-engage you in a predictable pattern that you are trying to break. Walk away and give both you and your child space.
Here are some declarative statements that you can try out this week when setting limits:
I have been thinking about devices at bedtime and want us to be healthy as a family. Starting tomorrow night, Iβve decided that we will leave our devices in the kitchen when we go to bed.
I understand that you donβt like this. But Iβve decided this is what is best for right now.
I hear you that you disagree with me. That is okay.
I know that you would really like to do X, but I need to do Y. This will be better for all of us in the long run.
I am not going to argue with you about this. I will talk to you later when you feel less angry.
In summary
Take time to decide on a reasonable limit - with your heart and mind. This will empower you to stay strong and follow through.
Use declarative language to communicate this limit or new decision with your child. Expect pushback.
Donβt engage in arguing. Agree to disagree.
Walk away if necessary.
I know you can do this. Stay strong out there and have a great week!
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