Making Repairs - Part 2

Last week I discussed the concept of making “repairs.” And as promised, this week I want to share an example of repair in action. A family in our Declarative Language Workshop shared how they were able to use both declarative language and co-regulation to recover from a challenging episode, and support their child to make a repair, both literally, and figuratively.

To follow is the parent’s (Jane) story in her own words, and I will spotlight how DL and CR were used throughout, so you can appreciate and learn from these meaningful moments.

I’ve also bolded some of the main takeaways for you. Enjoy!

Jane: Michael got extremely dysregulated and threw a flashlight, resulting in a broken outlet plate in his bedroom. It happens to be the outlet that his nightlight is plugged into. After he was calm and I had found a replacement for the outlet plate, I said, “Michael, come on, you can help make this right,” and showed him the new outlet plate and screwdriver that I was holding.

Linda’s Comments: Jane waited for Michael to be regulated before approaching the idea of repair. This is important! Remember, repair is best outside of the moment of crisis. She also had a plan in place before approaching him, and supported communication of the plan by having the materials in hand and showing him. This visual presentation along with her declarative comment (“You can help make this right”) likely supported his overall comprehension of what was to come.

Jane: Both Michael and his sibling, Danny, wanted to help fix it, and the three of us sat on the floor together in front of it.

Linda’s Comments: Jane set up the situation such that they were all at eye level, and physically close. Physical proximity can be important when guiding, especially when it is a new experience for the child!

This closeness also supported their connection to each other, helped establish and maintain their joint focus of attention and shared goal, and facilitated the assignment of competent roles to follow.

Jane: Michael reached for the screwdriver, but I said “I’ll unscrew the old one. Michael, you collect the broken pieces.” He did that without issue.

Linda’s Comments: Kids love to fix things! It is always great to include kids with these types of opportunities, if you provide them a competent role, meaning, a role that they can do on their own, with just a little bit of time and/or a little bit of help.

Although Michael initially reached for the screwdriver, Jane knew screwing/unscrewing would not be a competent role for him right now. She adjusted in that moment to offer him a role she knew would be successful for him, and was still authentic: “Collector of Broken Pieces.”

He accepted this role immediately, illustrating it was, in fact, just right!

Jane: When it was out of the wall, we needed to collect the screw from it to use in the replacement, I thought it could just pop out, so I gave it to Michael and said “We need this screw, can you get it out? Michael was trying to turn the screw, so I said, “It should just pop through if you push with your finger on the back.”

Linda’s Comments: Again, Jane offered him a role that she thought would be competent for him in the moment (pop out the screw).

Then, when she noticed it was tricky for him to do on his own, she guided him (or scaffolded) further using a declarative statement.

Jane: He understood and tried it, but it didn’t seem to be working. I said “Let’s see what’s going on”, and turned it over. It had a little nut on the back, so I told them we needed to get that off.

Linda’s Comments: Jane let him persist with the challenge a little bit, but recognized when he needed additional help. Rather than take it from him and do it herself, she invited him to be a problem-solver alongside her, in figuring out what they needed to do differently.

As she discovered the problem, she named it. Now, both kids will have that problem/solution template stored in their episodic memory (e.g., “Sometimes a screw might not come off because there is a nut on the other side!”).

Jane: Danny wanted to try, so I let him, but then he asked for help. I turned the nut until it was most of the way off, and then handed it to Michael, saying “you can finish it.” He did.

Linda’s Comments: Here, Jane is getting comfortable with assigning competent roles for both kids, and created a co-regulatory pattern for the three of them to share (you can learn more about this idea in Co-Regulation Handbook). Amazing! She assigned Danny a competent role, inviting him to give it a try, while also making space for him to ask for help when he needed it.

Although Danny wasn’t able to do the whole thing on his own, she recognized that offering responsibility for part of the process was still meaningful and empowering.

Then, Jane offered another competent, authentic, contingent role to Michael (she started, and he finished), including him again in the process.

Jane: Next, we put the screw in the replacement outlet plate. I think I had one of the boys put it in the hole, and then started the little nut on the back myself, and let one or the other turn it a bit too.

Linda’s comments: Again, Jane created competent, authentic contingent roles for both kids, with her own role being the glue in the middle!

The boys assumed their roles readily, illustrating (again!) that the roles were just right for each of them. Then naturally, they were provided opportunity to develop further skills in the process.

Jane: I gave Michael the job of holding the new outlet plate in the right spot (probably saying something like “Michael, you can hold the plate in the right spot. Line up the holes with the outlets”). Then I said “I’m going to get the screw started and then Michael can screw it in some and Danny can finish it.” I got it started and handed the screwdriver to Michael.

Linda’s comments: More competent, authentic, contingent roles, or Co-Regulation. Awesome!!

Jane: I saw that he was having trouble with all the fine motor elements of that, so I said, “I’ll hold the screwdriver so it stays in the right place, and you can turn it.”

Linda’s comments: In this moment, Michael’s mother noticed (again) that a role was a little too hard for him.

She adjusted in the moment, took back some of the responsibility herself to create different contingent roles (holder/spinner), as a scaffold, so that he would again be competent in his role.

Remember, we don’t always get it right the first time. The important piece is that we know we can adjust in the moment!

Jane: Then Danny and I did the same. Then it was done!

Linda’s comments: Again, Jane seamlessly expanded this framework to include Michael’s sibling, thereby creating an authentic team!

Jane: Michael said, “Now I need to try my super bright light,” and he went and found the nightlight, plugged it in, and was relieved to see that it still worked.

Linda’s comments: As a final step, Michael officially brought closure to the mishap, by concretely showing that his nightlight, and the problem, had been repaired.

Jane: We all felt much better about the whole thing afterwards. 

Linda’s comments: With authentic repair, everyone feels better, and stores a positive episodic memory about the experience to replace the negative one (i.e., the memory now is NOT: “I broke something”, but rather “I broke something and FIXED it!”). As a result, resilience forms.

I hope you enjoyed this illustration as much as I did! Thank you Jane for sharing your story and family with all of us!

Have a great week!

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