Is Declarative Language Passive Aggressive?

Is declarative language passive aggressive?

I’ve heard this question more than once lately, so I decided to hit it head on and talk about it here.

As I address this topic, I’m going to talk about communication as a whole, because it’s not just the words that we use that matter, but our overall communicative intent and style. Episodic memory related to one’s communicative exchanges also matter. These are probably the most important ideas I want you to take away from this week’s Snippet.

So, here is that question again:

Is declarative language passive aggressive?

And my answer: Well, that depends.

Is your intention passive aggressive?

Is your unstated intention to GET the other person to do something, and maybe even to do it now, because you are having negative feelings about the situation and about the person?

If your answer is yes to these questions, then YES, your declarative language just might be passive aggressive.

BUT, if your intention in using declarative language is to GIVE or offer information, to GUIDE your learner in a supportive way, to scaffold a process that may be challenging for them in the moment or across time, for whatever reason, and you are approaching the moment with a positive intention, then no, it is not passive aggressive.

Or, if you are sharing your feelings of frustration or upset openly, in a heartfelt way, then no, you are not being passive aggressive there either.

Here is the bottom line:

Your intention matters! Passive aggressiveness (I think!) is felt when there is a mismatch between our words and our intentions. Or, when our spoken words and our nonverbal communication do not align.

Having said that, I do, however, understand that sometimes our learners misunderstand our communication and think we are being passive aggressive, even though that may not be our intention. This can be especially true for our tweens, teens and young adults.

But, if we take a step back to think about it, it may be that they have experienced a lot of communicative exchanges where others are demanding something of them or are communicating in a negative way. As a result, they may not be used to this different style of communicating, which is generous, kind, thoughtful, and supportive, and their negative episodic memories of communication are winning.

If that is the case for you, here are some tips to work through this misunderstanding and/or ensure your positive intentions come through.

1. Just explain what you are doing. Use declarative language to tell them what you are trying to do, and to clarify your intention. Explain that you are trying something new and different, and you understand it is a change. You also may say that you know your communication in the past has been demanding, and you are really and truly trying to communicate in a different way. Here are some examples:

“I am speaking in a different way than I usually do. But, I’m not trying to be passive aggressive, I’m trying to be supportive. This is new for me and I’m still getting the hang of not telling you what to do. Thank you for being patient with me as I give this a try because I’m hoping it will help our relationship in the long run.”

Or

“I know I usually speak in a more demanding way. But right now, I am trying something different and my intention is to be supportive, not passive aggressive. It will take me practice to get this just right.”

2. Keep in mind your nonverbal communication.

You can also be mindful of your own nonverbal communication, so that it aligns with your words, and your true intention shines through.

For example:

Check your tone of voice, rate of speech, and volume. Passive aggressive comments usually have a snarky or impatient tone, a faster rate of speech, and/or a slightly increased volume.

When communicating with the intention to support, a neutral, curious, empathic, or kind tone is most effective, along with a softer volume and slower rate of speech.

Check your body language. Similarly, when communicating in a passive aggressive way, our bodies may be tense (arms crossed, muscles tight), and we may be using facial expressions and gestures that communicate frustration, impatience, or annoyance.

In contrast, when authentically communicating to offer support, our body position may be more open, neutral, or relaxed (shoulders back, arms outreached or at our sides). We also may take deep breaths to help ourselves stay regulated, or we might get a little closer and/or lower to better establish a positive emotional connection with our learner.

3. Be present. Communicate, with both your words and nonverbal communication, a readiness to receive your learner’s unique communication in the moment, without a specific agenda or expectation in mind (be ready to co-regulate).

Now, it is of course okay to feel impatient or frustrated with other people or a situation, because we are all human. And, it is always okay to use declarative language to communicate these feelings in an open, honest way.

But, if you are here because you want your declarative language to be supportive, guiding, and giving, it is important to set your intention prior to communicating with your learner, so that your communication as a whole sends a consistent message.

Because, they will receive the whole communicative package. They will absorb your body language, your facial expressions, your tone of voice, and your energy, along with the words you use.

If any negativity is sent, then negativity will be received.

It is rarely only about the words we are using, and within each interaction, you decide which kind of message you want to send.

I realize this is an especially timely message with Thanksgiving (in the U.S.) upon us! And, I know this takes practice. But when we work to send a message that is GIVING and guiding , rather than GETTING or demanding, we move closer to where we ALL want to be in the end.

Happy Thanksgiving and thank YOU all for being here. I am grateful for you!

If you like my Sunday Snippets of Support, you can receive them directly to your inbox here.