“I’m so stupid!” - Part 2

Last week, as a follow up to my conversation with Ryan Wexelblatt on ADHD Dude Live, I shared a story about Julie and her teenage son. Julie’s son uses self-defeating comments, which we believe arise because he frequently does NOT feel competent due to challenges in executive functioning.

To decrease his self-defeating comments, we know we must increase his authentic experiences of competence, starting one opportunity at a time.

As discussed last week, Julie chose to first target dressing, or more specifically: choosing what to wear to school each day. An important part of this was thinking through all the components that make up this task, which is more complex than it appears on the surface! It includes thoughtful decision-making (what to wear and why) as well as visual persistence (searching for the right clothes). You can read last week’s post for this information.

Here is where we left off.

To create competent roles within this routine, where Julie could offer her son opportunities to be successful while she gradually transfers responsibility and knowledge over time, we thought through the following questions:

When would be the best time to engage your son in the process of choosing clothes for the day?

We both agreed morning would NOT be a successful time to start! There would be too much time pressure and they wouldn’t be able to slow down in the way we all need to when learning something new. However, engaging him in this process the night before would allow them the time needed to gather upcoming information such as tomorrow’s weather and events of the next day, and then search for and choose clothes accordingly.

What could some beginning partnerships be, where she assumes a role and assigns her son a contingent role in which he could be competent? (This is co-regulation: Competent, Authentic and Contingent roles, discussed in depth in Co-Regulation Handbook).

Julie imagined that she could guide her son on how to check the weather on his phone, creating one competent role. Then, she thought that it would work well if she chose one item based on tomorrow’s weather, such as a shirt, and then he could chose the next, such as his pants. They could move forward in this reciprocal manner until all the items were gathered (e.g., socks, underwear, belt, shoes, etc.).

Where would be a good place to put the clothes once they are gathered, so they are easily located in the morning?

Julie had noted that in the past, her son would often “lose” the clothes she had selected and placed on his bureau (i.e., they would drop on the floor and he would not be able to find them). As a result, he often yelled in panic in the morning, asking for help finding his clothes.

We realized that to create competence in this regard, a basket or other container to place the clothes in each night would be helpful. But, he also needed to be included in the process of placing them there to form his own memory of where they would be. These two things together would likely eliminate the uncertainty and feelings of panic he had felt on prior mornings. Then, as Julie and her son repeat this pattern and routine each night moving forward, the designated location will become internalized and automatic for him (which will make the whole process more efficient come morning!).

So… how did it go and what are next steps?

Julie tried these ideas out, and they worked pretty well!

However, she has noticed that her son continues to look to her for validation and support in decision-making regarding his clothes. As a next step, we discussed how she could continue to provide him information around how she approaches this decision-making using declarative language (see Declarative Language Handbook for more information on DL!).

Example declarative statements to do this might be:

“That shirt and pants do look good together because…”

Or

“I agree those are a good choice of pants for tomorrow because the weather is going to be ….”

Or

“Well, I remember you have PE tomorrow, so I might look for a different shirt…”

The more Julie shares her knowledge and thought process generously in this way, the more her son will feel comfortable taking a risk deciding for himself. Increasing his confidence in these seemingly small decisions will ultimately increase his overall feelings of competence.

It does take time and commitment on our part to gradually transfer actions, knowledge and wisdom in this way. However, when done using co-regulation, this becomes a positive experience for both people versus a chore that needs to get done.

Final takeaways from Julie’s story:

• To build competence, we must include kids in the process of what we want them to learn, no matter how small or how easy the task may seem to us.

• We must start somewhere, so pick ONE opportunity that will make a difference in your lives and use co-regulation to get started.

• Start where your child is at, engage them as your partner, and build competence from there. 

If you haven’t yet read “I’m so stupid! - Part 1”, you can read it here!

Have a great week!

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