How do I use Declarative Language when my child is upset?

I hear this question a lot! Your child’s emotions are escalating (and maybe yours are too). It seems hardly the time to sit down and chat using declarative language! So what do you do?

The good news — declarative language is still really helpful. Once you know which statements to use!

See the visuals below to walk you through how to think about these moments, and decide what to say (or not say!).

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How do I use Declarative Language when my child is becoming… upset, dysregulated, frustrated, agitated…?

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First, prioritize. Our #1 goal when a child is escalating, is to help them REGULATE. This must always come first.

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Only after they are regulated, will you be able to get to the good stuff like… perspective taking, reasoning, problem solving, reflecting & planning…

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So…here are some declarative statements that can help kids REGULATE when emotions are escalating…

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#1. Silence

Sometimes you shouldn’t say anything. And… I know. This isn’t a statement. But, silence is a vital part of declarative language use.

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#2. Mirror what they are communicating.

You don’t think this is fair.

You want more screen time.

You really want to buy that game.

You don’t want to go on a hike.

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#3. Validate Feelings

I hear you.

I understand why you are frustrated right now.

I know this is not what you want.

I can see you are upset.

I get it.

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#4. Silence

Yes - silence again! Balance your declarative statements with silence so your child has time to process and respond as they are ready. Often, once kids feel heard and understood, they become more open to problem solving, and hearing our thoughts, opinions & ideas.

And here are these ideas all on one page!

You can download this visual so you have these ideas handy when you need them!

Have a great week!

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