Our first Declarative Language Drop-In was this week! It was great to meet parents and offer individualized support. In listening to personal stories, one consistent theme rang through from caregivers: challenging behaviors happen, and it is hard to know the best way to respond!

This helped me remember that the 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭/𝐟𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭/𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐳𝐞 response to 𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐲, which I discuss in Chapter 2 of 𝐷𝑒𝑐𝑙𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝐿𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑢𝑎𝑔𝑒 𝐻𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑏𝑜𝑜𝑘, is one of the most important ideas to understand.

What does this mean?

Often kids with social learning differences feel uncertain or not competent. These feelings trigger anxiety in the form of fight/flight/freeze responses that become labeled as behaviors: bolting, yelling, hitting, arguing, climbing under a table, or even shutting down. And then the behaviors become the focus.

One concrete thing we can do immediately - while working towards using declarative language in day-to-day life - is notice the demands we may – inadvertently at times - place on our kids. For example, do we ask them to do something they may not feel successful in, or do we ask them a question that may be hard for them to answer in the moment?

Demands can trigger the fight/flight/freeze response, especially with kids whose resilience and feelings of competence are fragile. Once the fight/flight/freeze response is activated, everything else become harder.

Declarative language is powerful because it is invitational and supportive. It does not place demands on kids, and therefore is less likely to activate the fight/flight/freeze response. Our kids may need help or guidance in the moment, and declarative language helps them stay regulated so they can receive the information they need.

Here is one even more specific thing you can do to help minimize the fight/flight/freeze response in your child: notice when you ask your child questions and work to rephrase these as comments. Make statements that provide the information they need in the moment, rather than quiz them to come up with this information on their own when they may already feel stressed.

Here are some example ways to rephrase questions:

“Why are you under the table?” => “I think you are under the table because you feel worried about this math problem. I can help you.”
“When are you going to make your lunch?” => “I think we should make your lunch after dinner. We can do it together.”
“Are you going to walk the dog?” => “Let’s walk the dog together after you finish your homework.”

Remember: Your goal is to maintain positive engagement, which supports learning. Notice how often you ask your child questions and challenge yourself to make statements instead. This small shift on our part has powerful results.

Fight/Flight/Freeze

Parent Reflections from Declarative Language Workshop

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