In Co-Regulation Handbook (coming out March 2021!), I have a section dedicated to creating positive peer interactions in which I expand on this article from 2018. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently as I observe firsthand an authentic friendship developing between my son and Charlie (who I have written about previously).

His mother and I set the scene by choosing outings that we know set the boys up for success:

• We are outside.

• They have lots of room to move and wiggle.

• We keep our time together short enough that we end on a high note…

• …but long enough to create meaningful, positive memories together.

And she and I use declarative language to provide guidance in the moment as the boys need it to be safe or hear each other’s ideas.

With this backdrop in place, we fade back often to watch how in sync these boys can be! Or, to observe how naturally they co-regulate: they establish a natural back and forth flow, where the interactions between them are balanced, each person is an equal contributor, and they are both competent. This is at the heart of most friendships, I think!

Over the past few months, the boys have spent time together doing activities that may seem simple on the surface but are packed with small but meaningful moments: walking around the neighborhood to see Halloween and Christmas decorations, visiting our favorite cemetery, and feeding birds out of our hands at the Ipswich River Wildlife Sanctuary.

It is a joy to see co-regulation between two children in action. But we as adults can’t decide what this will look like or how it will unfold for them. We can - however - hold the concept of co-regulation in mind, set them up for success by choosing where, when and for how long we meet, use declarative language to guide them in the moment as needed, and know the importance of being quiet.

Co-Regulation and Friendship

Different Opinions and Declarative Language

Mission Previews and Declarative Language